Friday, June 14, 2013

Go for the throat, buddy!

Whatever happened to the strong tradition of democratic debate in this country? These days, good old-fashioned meaningless banter about cars and cheesecake and movies and sports has the nasty habit of rapidly degenerating into solid fact-based arguments about Modi. Recently, some of the conversations I tried to have with friends went terribly wrong.


Me: Hey Buddy, saw Iron Man 3? It was…

Buddy: Modi is the only Iron Man, you son-of-a-congressman! I will not stand for this mindless propaganda. The water level in Gujarat is now 3.23% higher than that of Angola in 1922 (adjusted for purchasing power parity, the general theory of relativity and the Modi bias).

Me: Uh, what? I’m eagerly waiting for Man of Steel, but…

Buddy: Steel production in Gujarat has increased from 2MT to 2.0001MT over the last ten years, where…

Me: …. I don’t think I can go this weekend; I have work.

Buddy: Bullshit! Once Modi becomes PM, all weekends, including the weekdays, will be holidays. He is a man with a vision, the one hope. Look at this article from 2008 from this obscure newspaper banned in 72 countries and run by a schizophrenic. It clearly proves that Modi is the best…

Me: Look, can we talk about something else? Pal, can you help me out here?

Pal: Yes! You blind fool! How can you fall prey to all this propaganda? Look at me and my scientific method of fact-collection. I sit here, in my chair, concentrate really hard, exert all my intellectual powers, think of the glorious intellectual tradition of the Renaissance, the Enlightenment, the French Revolution, the Indian independence movement, and then jerk off dreaming of Angelina Jolie before all her surgeries. From the above, it is obvious that Modi is a fundamentalist, fascist, bigoted, authoritarian, arrogant, mass-murdering despot.

Me: What surgeries?

Buddy: Pal! You anti-national, dynasty-worshipping sycophant! Modi is almost two inches taller than Rahul Gandhi and has already reached puberty. How dare you support Rahul Gandhi?!

Me: In all fairness, Buddy, nobody said anything about Rahul Gandhi.

Buddy: There you go again, worshipping Rahul Gandhi!

Pal: Look how he snarls and how he sneers! Clear signs of a totalitarian mindset! And I can prove it. Look at this apocryphal, emotional rant on a blog of which I was the first visitor. The very fact that a man died between 2002 and 2012 in Gujarat proves beyond reasonable doubt that Modi is the next Hitler.

Me: You know what? I have a headache, sort of. I think I’ll go lie down.

Pal: Yes! Lie, lie more! What have you people done your entire life but lie!

Buddy: Modi will remove all your headaches.

Me: This is me, walking away.

Pal: Murderer! Walker-away from crimes!


Buddy: Modi will provide free walkers to everybody.